KeepingYouAwake

In December of 2008, when we moved into the new house, I was returning the giant box truck that I had, the day before, damaged by trying to go around our 150 year old shed.  I had to stop at an inner-city gas station to refuel with Diesel because it would cost more to have them refill it and I drove at least 50 miles both ways.  At the gas station a shabby looking guy walked by with this black dog.  She (the dog) walked over to investigate me, and he kept walking.

By the time I was done refueling, he was at least a block down the road if not more.  I called out to him and pointed at the dog, at which point he threw his hand out as if to say “I don’t care…”  We put her in the car.  I named her Bambi because she could not stay on her feet in the back of the car.  She smelled like wet garbage and there probably wasn’t a bone on her that I couldn’t see.  We gave her a bath at Mrs’ parent’s house because…  Well, wouldn’t you?  she vomited newspaper and leaves.  We had to keep her.

That sweet dog has somehow disappeared and been replaced with the Pit Bull from Hell.

She actually doesn't mind crap like this...

She’s an easy going dog, unless she’s hungry.  If she’s hungry, you need to give her something, anything, or she’ll find something to eat.  Oh, and she’s always hungry.

We took her to the vet straight away and found that she was about 3 years old by measuring the plaque on her teeth.  Gross, right?  She amazingly didn’t have worms or disease of any kind.  Pretty healthy for a very thin street dog.  Who knows what past she has…  I can tell you, however, that she hates strange dogs.  Taking her on a walk near other dogs means I get to hold her to my chest and have her bludgeon me with her head.  It’s awesome.

To the left, to the left. Her left...

Her?  No way dude.  I know that’s what you’re thinking.  But that’s the easiest part.  See, she doesn’t hate our other dogs.  She realizes they’re part of her pack (or some shit).  That’s not a big deal.  What is a big deal is that she can’t be trusted alone in the house.

She’s the most loyal dog in the world.  She’ll come when you call, even if she’s in a chase.  But don’t leave her alone in the house.  The first time it happened, I took pictures.  It was, by far, not the worst damage she’s done.

This is where she escaped her cage. She did it by somehow making the front collapse inward and then climbing over it. This is where she got into the main household trashcan that she spread around the house. Oh yeah, and she ate a whole pan of chocolate brownies. And some plaster decorations....

She hauled the kitchen trash can in its entirety into the living room for convenience. She also got into the bathroom and brought toilet paper through the house, as well as various other things she found. Oh yeah, and she ate several bars of Dove soap. She STILL loves that stuff.

I guess she got tired after a while, and started taking her treasures to the bedroom. She chewed on clothes and peed and pooped EVERYWHERE.

You might be saying “It can’t be true, you’re framing that poor dog”.  I mean look at that face:

All tuckered out... The shithead...

I had to zip-tie the cage together at all seams and close off the auxillary door.  Then she learned how the latches worked so I had to start putting luggage locks on the latches to keep them closed.  Then she started destroying the luggage locks by biting down on them and compressing the brass padlock until it wouldn’t re-lock properly.  Then I used larger locks.  That was working…

Then one day, when she was in the bathroom she somehow got out of her cage, chewed up the door handle trying to get out and tore off the door trim.  We couldn’t figure out how she escaped.  nothing was loose…  She made a hole.  In the steel cage…

The cage was in the basement so that if she did get out, she wouldn't do any damage... As you can see, she has strong jaws.

This is hole is what prompted me to put her in the basement. I fixed it with a license plate...

While she was doing this damage, she also tore out and chewed up all the sump pump line.  Not long after this, the front door was filled with 3 license plates, and then those came off. now we have her in a different cage with thicker bars.  So far, so good.  I’m thinking about customizing a Dogloo house as a cage so she can’t break out.

She's a sweet kid...

She’s a real handful, but she’s ours now so I can’t let anything bad happen to her.  I need to find her a good home where she is the only dog.  It would be great if she was out in the country, because she loves to go out with you, but she’s also a big fan of riding in cars.  I mean, a BIG fan.  She loves the car.  She’ll be good in the car too.

Unless someone pops up that we can trust, we’ll have this maniac for the rest of her life.  She cant’ be contained, she can’t be stopped and she’s put our mastiff in the clinic once for trying to eat his leg when he acted dominant.

Tell me your dog story, or let me know if you’re interested.  I couldn’t possibly divulge anything worse about her.

My Zombie. My Zombie.  Wherever there’s brains, he eats.  My Zombie.  My Zombie.  My Zombie & me!

If you don’t remember the My Buddy & Kid Sister commercials from the 80s, you probably think I’m crazy.  If you do, you’re already aware that I’m crazy from previous exploits.  Either way, I’ve come here today to share with you my day with my new buddy, Larry Jacobs.  Larry is a zombie sock puppet, made by Chelle over at Coffee & Zombie Movies.

I won him for having the ugliest weird shit.  He’s mine now.  Stop winking at him, because it’s awkard for both of us.  Check out the pictures from our outing:

Larry likes riding in the truck. He was a little leery when I called shotgun, but he settled down after a bit.

I tried to snap a picture just as the plate was hot on the table, but Larry was *really* hungry. The waitress never did come back. It was weird.

After lunch, we visited the Flea Market to find Larry a friend. This is Dr. Bones. They're all BFF and shit.

Larry is one swingin' cat. He insisted on visiting the swings before us, and I had to use the restroom. He's awfully happy, considering it looks like all the kids must have left him. Oh well, keep your chin up larry. Hold it up high.

Larry took a moment on the slide to enjoy the sun. I sniffed all around, but couldn't figure out where someone was cooking bacon.

Larry's shirt suggests he wished these were brains. He found these at the Flea Market. I must admit, they are quite lovely and squishy.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Larry's new favorite book.

Dreaming Zombie Dreams...

So there you have it.  Larry’s mostly hanging around the house nowadays.  He’s really taken a liking to Abraham (Lincoln), our cat.  He’s very helpful, often getting meat out of the deep freeze to thaw for dinner and has only tried to eat my brains once.  He’s such a gentleman.

As you can see, there was a full box of what I’ll call booby-balls, which were like those balls that you squeeze and there is a metallic fluid inside that swirls inside the plastic when you squeeze it.  They were $1, so I bought several.  Expect them as gifts at the next party.  We also bought some homemade treats made from wheat and potatoes, that tasted like pork rinds and looks like bacon.  Pretty fantastic.  Dr. Bones was picked up in a small manga shop where the proprietor sells these and a few other goodies for a friend who makes them.  He was only $20!!!

What would you do if you had Larry for a day?

Do elephants spoon?
Do lions play chess?
Do all monkeys share my vast interest in breasts?

Would zebra’s choose color?
Would giraffes wear a hat?
Would your dog eat chinese food, and tell you it’s cat?

This poem’s just filler.
This poem’s not great.
This poem’s not going to check your prostate.

Should I buy a car?
Should I buy a truck?
Should I say it’s not for you, would you give a fuck?

I’ve been busy of late.
I’ve been lazy as well.
I’ve been thinking of writing, but that went to hell.

My blog has been quiet…
My blog’s not retired…
My blog’s not entertaining, does that mean I’m fired?

I’ll swear to continue.
I’ll talk about lubes.
I swear if you come back, I’ll show you my boobs.

Aunt Becky has finally been given the chance she needs to get her book published.  That’s some real shit right there, isn’t it?  I’m assuming it’s going to be a hardbacked ordeal with those gold edged pages, bound in leather with one of those built-in bookmarks.  I’m not saying for certain that it is, but I’d go so far to say that it should be.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you guys all know who Aunt Becky is, from reading Mommy Wants Vodka, or follow her on Twitter.  I’ll also assume that you’re a snappy dresser and a good kisser.  If any of those things are not true, now is the time to change them.  Visiting her new site and reading up will definitely improve the quality of your day by at least 23%.  It might even take away that terrible burning when you pee.  (Or maybe you should get that checked out…)

Can we be “real” for a minute?  It’s tough to get published nowadays.  Everyone’s afraid to put a lot of money into anything, and print is in tough times.  If you want to get published, you’d better be a sure thing.  That’s what we’re here to prove with this.  If Aunt Becky can get enough pre-pre-orders on her book, she’ll be green-lit (in addition to regular or drunken lit) and happy as a clam.

What do you have to do?  Give your name and email, then click the “Hell Yes” button, or just “yes” if you prefer.  You don’t have to buy anything and nobody gets hurt.  You’re just saying “Hey, this chica’s pretty funny.  I’d buy that, like, if it was, you know, like, cheap enough, or had a holographic cover.  Submit the form, and bingo bango, you’ve helped a young girl’s dream come true.

So without further Ado, and in celebration of yet another lazy Monday post on my part, go see Aunt Becky and help her get published.

But if you try sometimes, you might find, you’ll get whatchou need.  Awww yeah.

With the new (97) Yukon in the garage a familiar sense of pride washed over me.  Before the Mrs brought it home, I fired up the tractor and re-graded the gravel in the garage.  I also re-plowed a bit of driveway in front of the garage door we don’t generally use and cleaned a big area out next to where I normally park.  Now I could park my tiny refrigerator of a car on the other side of the garage and leave a big open space for the mammoth Yukon to dominate.

It’s a 13 year old truck, but I’m so proud to have it that I’ll clean the garage and fight over who gets to drive it next. Standing back from the garage, I realized I should have taken a “before” picture.  In fact, I realized I should take lots of “before” pictures.

I’ve addressed before that I’m amazed by simple things.  I try so hard not to take things for granted, and I’m so fortunate to have so many positive changes in my life.  I always catch myself saying or thinking “Man, would you believe that we’d _______ last year at this time?”  Just one year can make so much difference.

So my idea is this, I’m going to take a shit-load of boring pictures. All the most sad and mundane things around the house.  It’s normal to take pictures of your new car, or the house once it’s been repainted.  What I want to do is take pictures of all the things that are “so-so” and compare them later on.  I can’t imagine I’ll have much bitching to do when the proof is right there.

This seems like a good thing for the kids too, to be able to say “yeah, this is how it used to be – but we worked hard and got this better thing”.  I grew up with very little money, but my parents always made sure I had what I wanted.  Miss E is already getting whatever she wants, so I hope the little things aren’t lost on her.

I don’t want to make a bragging list, but when I look at my house I think “Wow, that’s awesome.  I’m so lucky.”  When I use my neat smartphone I think “This is so cool, that I can have something like this.”

*mushy alert*

When I look at the Mrs, I think “She’s so awesome, more than I ever expected. I am so lucky to have her” and similar for my friends, including you guys, I’m lucky to have you all and when I compare memories, it’s always positive change.

This was a week late, and somber on top of that, so I want to spice up the deal by having you visit Fucking Windows. Go there and resize your window over and over.  Fucking awesome.