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Bambi The Conqueror
In December of 2008, when we moved into the new house, I was returning the giant box truck that I had, the day before, damaged by trying to go around our 150 year old shed. I had to stop at an inner-city gas station to refuel with Diesel because it would cost more to have them refill it and I drove at least 50 miles both ways. At the gas station a shabby looking guy walked by with this black dog. She (the dog) walked over to investigate me, and he kept walking.
By the time I was done refueling, he was at least a block down the road if not more. I called out to him and pointed at the dog, at which point he threw his hand out as if to say “I don’t care…” We put her in the car. I named her Bambi because she could not stay on her feet in the back of the car. She smelled like wet garbage and there probably wasn’t a bone on her that I couldn’t see. We gave her a bath at Mrs’ parent’s house because… Well, wouldn’t you? she vomited newspaper and leaves. We had to keep her.
That sweet dog has somehow disappeared and been replaced with the Pit Bull from Hell.
She actually doesn't mind crap like this...
She’s an easy going dog, unless she’s hungry. If she’s hungry, you need to give her something, anything, or she’ll find something to eat. Oh, and she’s always hungry.
We took her to the vet straight away and found that she was about 3 years old by measuring the plaque on her teeth. Gross, right? She amazingly didn’t have worms or disease of any kind. Pretty healthy for a very thin street dog. Who knows what past she has… I can tell you, however, that she hates strange dogs. Taking her on a walk near other dogs means I get to hold her to my chest and have her bludgeon me with her head. It’s awesome.
To the left, to the left. Her left...
Her? No way dude. I know that’s what you’re thinking. But that’s the easiest part. See, she doesn’t hate our other dogs. She realizes they’re part of her pack (or some shit). That’s not a big deal. What is a big deal is that she can’t be trusted alone in the house.
She’s the most loyal dog in the world. She’ll come when you call, even if she’s in a chase. But don’t leave her alone in the house. The first time it happened, I took pictures. It was, by far, not the worst damage she’s done.
This is where she escaped her cage. She did it by somehow making the front collapse inward and then climbing over it. This is where she got into the main household trashcan that she spread around the house. Oh yeah, and she ate a whole pan of chocolate brownies. And some plaster decorations....
She hauled the kitchen trash can in its entirety into the living room for convenience. She also got into the bathroom and brought toilet paper through the house, as well as various other things she found. Oh yeah, and she ate several bars of Dove soap. She STILL loves that stuff.
I guess she got tired after a while, and started taking her treasures to the bedroom. She chewed on clothes and peed and pooped EVERYWHERE.
You might be saying “It can’t be true, you’re framing that poor dog”. I mean look at that face:
All tuckered out... The shithead...
I had to zip-tie the cage together at all seams and close off the auxillary door. Then she learned how the latches worked so I had to start putting luggage locks on the latches to keep them closed. Then she started destroying the luggage locks by biting down on them and compressing the brass padlock until it wouldn’t re-lock properly. Then I used larger locks. That was working…
Then one day, when she was in the bathroom she somehow got out of her cage, chewed up the door handle trying to get out and tore off the door trim. We couldn’t figure out how she escaped. nothing was loose… She made a hole. In the steel cage…
The cage was in the basement so that if she did get out, she wouldn't do any damage... As you can see, she has strong jaws.
This is hole is what prompted me to put her in the basement. I fixed it with a license plate...
While she was doing this damage, she also tore out and chewed up all the sump pump line. Not long after this, the front door was filled with 3 license plates, and then those came off. now we have her in a different cage with thicker bars. So far, so good. I’m thinking about customizing a Dogloo house as a cage so she can’t break out.
She's a sweet kid...
She’s a real handful, but she’s ours now so I can’t let anything bad happen to her. I need to find her a good home where she is the only dog. It would be great if she was out in the country, because she loves to go out with you, but she’s also a big fan of riding in cars. I mean, a BIG fan. She loves the car. She’ll be good in the car too.
Unless someone pops up that we can trust, we’ll have this maniac for the rest of her life. She cant’ be contained, she can’t be stopped and she’s put our mastiff in the clinic once for trying to eat his leg when he acted dominant.
Tell me your dog story, or let me know if you’re interested. I couldn’t possibly divulge anything worse about her.
20 Comments to “Bambi The Conqueror”
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I have to give this some thought. Damnit. I have plenty of space and no other dog. I am in the country. Pits are my weakness because I just can’t do little yippy dogs, I like a dog with some power. Gah!
Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..A Wicked Heads Up
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 11:11 am
She’ll love you forever and ever and she doesn’t yip or bark really. She cries when she’s lonely. Isn’t that sad? So sad. Don’t let her be lonely… She comes with a cage and she’s MADE OF CANDY AND CAN GRANT WISHES.
Seriously though, let me know if you’re interested and we’ll meet up so you (and we) can be sure. She’s a devil, but a great dog deep down.
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Awww. I hope she gets a good home (preferably wicked S
I love doggies and I have two annoying ones that just ripped open a big bag of garbage for me to clean, yay!
Awfully nice of you to offer her a warm loving home in the meantime.
I am beginning to suspect you might be a bit of a softie underneath all that bravado.
kelly´s last blog ..Ready or Not, Here Comes a Thought
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
I have bravado? Someone get me q dictionary so I can be impressed, proud or hurt.
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Holy shit, I could swap dog horror stories with you for sure. I love our beast. He too has a good heart. But we’ve had to move anything edible to above my head or it’s gone. It’s terribly inconvenient for me to reach the garbage above my head . . . . So unfortunately, I do NOT want another adorable destroyer at the moment, beautiful though she is. I will put the word out though!
Andrea´s last blog .."This Too Shall Pass"
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Thanks! Were in Indianapolis area, BTW. Some people just don’t get dogs. We have a cat too.
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Aww. I never even realized you had dogs until now. More people need to adopt legitimate, non cat-dogs! (How kind of you to put up with all that…) Our last dog was supposed to be spayed… She was not. Try strapping a leather diaper type-thing onto a Doberman… She kept ripping it apart with her teeth. If I lived closer to indy, I’d send the pit home with my parents when my sister goes to college, haha. Hope you find a home for her.. Keep us posted!
Where did Bambi go?
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Where did bambi go? When? This is her above. Well, she didn’t write this, but you know what I mean.
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… I thought you literally lost Bambi and then found the pit bull… Yeah, that’s pretty bad, haha. OK, few.
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i like yer dog.
gingermandy´s last blog ..Something, something, title, words, …..
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:04 am
You’re retarded.
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For 2.4 seconds I was considering a dog instead of adopting another cat. Thank you for curing me of that dangerous thought. I don’t have the upper body strength for a dog, clearly.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Hans Solo Can Suck It
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 9:05 am
Yeah, there’s a lot of picking up involved, and a knowledge of welding wouldn’t hurt.
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Aw! If my roommate would freaking let me have a dog I’d totally steal her away from you (I have a weird affinity for “bad” dogs).
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 10:09 am
She’s your kind then. She almost sent the mastiff to the hospital again. He needs to not try to hump her anymore…
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I’d totally take her if my mom wasn’t already sleeping in the kennel.
Miss Spoken´s last blog ..Whore Mouth Almost Blows It … Again
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 10:10 am
I visualize an arched sign over the door that says “Whore Mouth” and distracts the neighbors.
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I was wondering what kind of dog she was from your twitter background thought she looked like a cane corso…of wich I have two. And one is spawn. But both really well behaved. Awe I hope you find her a great home or some doggy valium.
A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..I May Be A Vampire Or An Alien Host…I Am Not Sure Which
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KeepingYouAwake Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 10:14 am
We actually guessed at Pit Bull, based on shelter dogs we saw and some photos. She’s rough and tumble from the street, so who really knows. She could probably handle people valium. She’s never gotten sick from eating anything else and she’s eaten EVERYTHING else.
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oh my dog story has totally been smashed by yours. I do have a rabbit story that’s similar… but who goes around saving homeless rabbits? Word to the wise – not so wise.
Ry Sal´s last blog ..Mari’s Random Five
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