How to be Alone

I’m not very good at being alone sometimes.

As a child growing up in a household not filled with the typical nuclear family, without siblings to keep me busy and entertained, I spent a lot of my time in my room. I read comic books, books of literature and picture books. I played with LEGOs and other building toys, and drew pictures all the time. I was not afraid to go outside but, with no kids my age living nearby, it was easy to enjoy my time alone.

Since that time I’ve taught myself to be a much more social person, although still very awkward at times, and had relationships that, for better or for worse, kept me from being alone any further. When you’re in a relationship with someone, particularly a young relationship, you rarely spend time alone. It’s okay to spend a lot of your time with your other, particularly when the relationships so young and you have so much to learn about each other that you didn’t get to learn in all the nights you stayed up talking.

Although it’s important to build your relationships with other people, to grow friendships and form a bond with someone whom you’ll share your life with, it’s also important to spend some time with yourself. Remember how cool you think you are, and keep that separate from how you think others feel about you. Feel good about yourself, and if you don’t, figure out why and help yourself to get to the point where you think you’re cool again.

It’s difficult though, to be alone. If I’m alone in the car I get bored. I play with my phone and I call friends, or I send messages. I check my email and even, (gulp) watch videos. I have a long commute. I am alone in the car for almost 3 hours each day. Sometimes I don’t even turn on the radio. I just sit and think.

If I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll usually take my phone, a book or something to do. It’s not that I’ll be in the bathroom for hours, in fact I end up staying much longer because of my activity. I just don’t want to get bored when I’m alone. it’s not uncommon in our house to leave the bathroom door cracked and talk to the person who’s in the kitchen.

The winter of 2008, I moved into a new house, lost my job and spent the cold snowy Winter alone in a new place, far from the view of other houses or activity. By the end of the day I was excited to do anything outside the house. All day long I’d claw at the walls (metaphorically) trying to get out of this lonely cage. Still, I want to be better at being alone, because I love to draw and to create and in most cases that is done alone.

The video that inspired these thoughts, which I am playing in a tiny window, over and over. The words constantly whispered to me, I hope, will teach me something more to be less anxious about being alone.

How do you deal with being alone?

Procrastination Services

I’m very easily distracted.

If I’m in the middle of a conversation, my mind often wanders the subject changes mid topic frequently and it’s like playing the 6-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon game to figure out what the fuck we were talking about.  If Mrs and I are having “creative differences”, during the “stop to reflect” times when it’s quiet I’ll look away and become entranced, wondering how the molding on the floor was actually made.  Like, what does that machine look like.  What does it do?  How long have they had it and what did they use beforehand?  What kind of money would the guy who made these make?  Would I enjoy that job?  And what’s up with that wallpaper?

Yeah.  She’s going to read this and be 50% pissed and 50% not-surprised.

When I’m trying to get work done it goes one of two ways.  If I’m online to get the work done, I start talking on Twitter, IM and email.  I get tied up in junk websites like buzzfeed.com or thereifixedit.com for an hour at a time.  I keep going back to the task, but then get confused because I’ve lost my place and then go back to talking.

If I’m not online, I will start cleaning.  Whether it’s cleaning the house, or cleaning up the files on my computer, I’ll do this to fidget.  Either way, I keep from doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  It’s terrible.

I’m not a typical time-waster though.  I won’t spend hours in front of the TV.  It kills me to sit that long.  I love to watch movies, but can only do one at a time without losing interest.  I’d love to just sit and draw for hours, but I never find 5 minutes for that and with all this time being used up, I can’t find something I’m accomplishing.

So here’s my offer to you:

I can’t seem to fix this problem, so I’m going to market it.  If there’s something that you don’t want to do, just assign it to me!  I’ll continue to not do it, just like you were doing, except I’ll give you a scapegoat (For $50, you can also get an actual goat, inquire by email.)

But wait, there’s more!

I’ll accomplish *other* tasks for you that you didn’t expect.  Hire me to put off your term paper, and I’ll not do your term paper, but research something similar and give you 30 links to that instead.  I’ll pull some weeds in your yard, play with your dog and reorganize your kitchen.  What a value, right?

I know it sounds too good to be true.  you might even say to yourself; “Hey, how can I trust that you’ll put off my task?  You’ve started blogging again!  Are you going to be a slacker or not?!?!?”  This is a valid question.

I’ve decided to put off different things in my own schedule to continue blogging, cracking wise on the Twitter and  getting the job not-done for you.  For example, I now only poop every other day if I can help it.  I’ve been reading all my email and watching interesting videos while I drive, putting MY LIFE at risk so that I can screw around for YOU later.

Squirrel!

I Didn’t Order this Porn

There’s something sexy about staying in a hotel room, isn’t there?  Maybe sexy is the wrong word, but I think we can agree that you’re supposed to have sex in a hotel room.  I mean, it’s not your bed or your cleanup.  It’s unusual, semi-exotic you don’t do it often (I mean stay in hotels. I don’t know, nor am I asking, how often you have sex.)

Any time that I’ve stayed in a hotel with the Mrs and nothing happens, I feel like I should ask for a partial refund.  I mean, what the fuck?    Sure, the sheets are dirty and you’d never want to look at the room with a blacklight, but it’s just something we do as humans, the great and noble race.

But  what if you’re alone?  Are you still entitled to hotel sex?  I’m not suggesting you cheat on your lover.  That’s some shitty shit, and we all know it.  I’m saying, aren’t you entitled to sex with yourself?  I mean, we’ve established that it’s tradition, right?  And you have needs and stuff.  So there’s that.

I stayed in a hotel in Atlanta for job training.  I was there for a whole week, paid.  They covered our room expenses and offered a daily allowance for meals.  It was a sweet gig.  I even met some cool people down there that I could hang out with and we partied it up right.  Since I was with someone at the time (not my invisible friend, but I mean I had a girlfriend at home) I wasn’t going to be bedding anyone in my room, so I stayed out mega late.  One night when I returned, I was looking for something to watch when I saw the XXX channels.

Oh sure, you can generally tell by the name what they are about, right?  There’s not a whole lot of mystery in those movies except maybe “Who’s ____ is that?”  or “Is that her _____?”.  One title caught my eye though.  The Naked News.  Hmmm…  So I read on to find that it was supposed to be a sexy “newscast” where they stripped as they read you the news.  I’m not sure why, but I thought it could be pretty interesting.

I rented it.

Yep, I rented my first hotel porn.  It loads up and starts playing and I sit back and wait.  The whole beginning was boring as fuck.  I mean, shit.  It was like watching the fucking news.   The newscasters were relatively cute.  There was even a dude I think, but I figured that was for the hetero sex scenes.  I mean, clearly there would be sex scenes.  This was a hotel porno.

As one newscaster read off the featured pieces, including news on wars overseas, poverty and rioting, she removed her clothes very casually.  No pinching, no twisting, no fondling.  It was like she was me, but with boobs, getting ready for a shower after mowing the grass.  WTF?  On to the weather…  Same thing.  High 70s…  Here goes my shirt.  Overcast on Tuesday… And there’s my bra.

I hate the news.  I don’t watch it normally and this was no better.  In fact, I won’t explain any more because (lather/rinse/repeat) this was how each segment went.  Boring as fuck.  If I had been a little bit interested in self-gratification to start, at the end I was concerned about our economy, planning my outfit for the weekend and thinking about the various crime in the area.  Bonified boner material, you guys.  Oh yeah.

I turned it off and went to bed.  It literally put me to sleep.  Then in the morning I realized that it wasn’t my bill.  It was the company’s bill.

Fuck!

Fortunately, it was the morning of check-out, but unfortunately that meant I had to think fast.  Here’s how that check-out dialog went:

Me: Oh yes, it was an excellent stay.  I don’t owe anything do I?  I just want to be sure.

Her: Um…  Oh, yes.  Here’s something.  Looks like you’ve got a video rental from last night.

(I’m sure she deals with this all the freaking time)

Me: I do?!?  What was it?  I didn’t rent anything in my room…

Her: Oh, it looks like it was something called “The Naked News”.

Me: The what?  Did you say Naked News?  I’m sorry, but what is that?

Her: (she reads the description)

Me: I can’t imagine why anyone would rent that.  It sounds terribly boring.

Her: No problem, sir.  I’ll remove it from your account.  It’s all taken care of.

Smooth, right?  I think she just felt bad for the massive loser she was talking to that apparently gets his rocks off by watching current events.  I’d have wanted me gone too.

Have you ever gotten yourself into trouble like this?

Everybody Loves Ramen

When I first moved out on my own, and was not wealthy enough to have the chefs at Taco Bell cater my every meal, I ate a lot of not-good-for-you shit.  There were some basic staples that I had to have, and I’d just fancy them up as needed.  I mean, you have to be ready just in case the Queen arrives.  I can’t expect Ms. Latifa to eat plain PB & J now, can I?

The first problem was that I hated hate shopping.  I’ll buy the prettiest package every time.  If there’s a bigger jar, or larger box I’ll get it, because it keeps me from coming back soon.  I hate waiting around behind people who just can’t decide to get this box of cookies or that box of cookies.  Get them both, or either, because you’re probably never going to think back and want to change that decision either way.  I’m always afraid of going broke too, which I’ve done too many times.

I’ll grab something and if I’m not sure about it, I’ll end up putting it back before I’m done.  It could be toys, books or movies, food or medicine.  Anything.  The longer I deliberate, the less I buy.  If the store always had free samples I could just go and eat the free samples while I deliberated and eventually put everything back on the shelves one-by-one.

Ramen noodles are the common college staple.  Disregard the package, because you don’t need the instructions.  Here’s what you need hot water.  Really hot water.  Put it on the noodles.  Let them get soft.  Note: If they are a little hard and you strain them early, it’s called Al-Dente, which is French for “I’m a fucking master chef.”  Strain the noodles.  If you don’t have a strainer, don’t worry.  You can do any of the following to strain pasta without a strainer:

• Use a fork to punch an assload of holes in a disposable plate or bowl.
• Put a paper towel in the sink, then lift it by the corners to let the water out.
• Pour it into a microwave container and then crack the lid slightly and pour.

You know what else is great?  Those little seasoning packets.  If you completely screw up your Ramen, because you’re very drunk or severely handicapped, keep the packets and put them in a coffee cup full of hot water on a cold gloomy day.  Mmmmm.  Soup-like.

Speaking of packets, never throw away anything free that has a flavor (and is normally edible).  If you get condiment packets from a restaraunt get extras.  You’ll need them later.  Taco sauce is free at Taco Bell, take a handful when you buy  a$1 taco.   These can be used to make almost any meal a little bit nicer.

Speaking of soup, you can’t go wrong with soup.  Hmmm.. That reads funny, but it’s true.  Anything canned and ready to eat, really.  I don’t think it expires any time soon, and I’m sure there are all sorts of limitations and such, but honestly this isn’t a post on eating healthy.  Pop the can open, pour into a bowl and eat.  If you don’t have a microwave or stove handy, just open, then cook it in the can over an open fire.  (Go outside first)

Hot dogs are, by far, the most versatile food as you can see here.  I wasn’t able to get all of the secret recipes that were entered in the party/contest but here are some ideas:

• Cut up and add to a can of baked beans.  (Double Points!)
• Slit the center and add strips of cheese.
• Put them in your buns (Obviously)
• Cover them with bacon bits, cheese and barbecue sauce for a platter meal.
• CORN DOGS!
• Dog Treats

I inherited a freezer full of frozen hot dogs.  I’m fairly sure they don’t go bad, and when you thaw them they are pre-cooked and ready to eat.  Throw the package in a bowl of hot water to thaw, then heat a couple up at a time for an anytime snack.

Now don’t forget, if you’re entertaining guests, it’s expected that you’ll have multiple courses in your meal.  You need a side dish!  Fear not because Pasta-Roni is 5 minutes away.  I think the box says 10 minutes, so just turn the heat up much higher and serve it Al-Dente!!!  They’ll be awed by your amazing cooking skills, and probably ask you for the recipe.

Don’t give it to them though.  If you give up all your mystery, you’ll be boring AND poor, and that just sucks.

What’s your secret cheap/easy standby?

Do it or I’m Breaking Up With You.

Mrs and I were driving home separately last night, but somehow listening the same station.  The show was one of those “ask the hostess something personal that is affecting you and they’ll takes calls about it on the air giving you free suggestions” kind of shows.  I normally avoid that crap like the plague, but this one caught me and we ended up talking during breaks on our cellphones about our views and opinions on the whole thing.

The problem was that a young couple has been together for almost 2 years, and although he was still relatively fit as the day they met, she had gained 50lbs in the last year they spent together.   She started saying she needed to do something about her weight gain after 10lbs, but it only got worse and worse.  They are engaged and he’s not sure what to do because he is afraid if she continues to gain and do nothing about it, he will lose his attraction to her, physically.  Because of this,  if she doesn’t change, he won’t marry her.

This question really hit me.  I’ve been up and down in weight.  I’ve been skinny enough that size 32 jeans needed a belt, and I’ve been big enough that my 38s were tight when they were fresh out of the dryer.  Weight does not the person make.  Everybody’s made a little differently and some people need some extra weight to fill them out, I think.  Mrs tells me that she likes me much better heavier.  I get that.  On the other hand, it is personal preference and he’s not wrong to have those feelings.

It’s so much deeper than the weight, I think.  Of the girls I’ve been serious with before the Mrs, there’s been a trend of apathy.  They wanted to do something about this/that/whatever, but it just never got done.  It was easier to not go work out.  It was easier to not continue that hobby.  It was easier to not look for a new career/job.  I’m not innocent either.  I hate doing things that aren’t fun, but I don’t like it to affect the Mrs. I think that this guy’s concern is less about the weight, and more about what sort of drive she really has to better herself throughout her life.

There were so many people who called in.  There were empathetic callers who said he needed to say something to her, but not mean, and to help her understand how important it was.  They said she needed to be supported and given all the information on how important this time was.  There were angry callers who called simply to defend a woman’s right to gain all the weight she wants and saying that if he loves her, he’ll understand.

The more we talked about it, we decided that it wasn’t just weight.  It’s anything that could make your partner less attractive to you, assuming they wouldn’t change it.  Maybe they stop brushing their teeth regularly, or start rewearing underwear or something like that.

What would you do, if your considerable other started to lose appeal to you like this?