How to be Alone

I’m not very good at being alone sometimes.

As a child growing up in a household not filled with the typical nuclear family, without siblings to keep me busy and entertained, I spent a lot of my time in my room. I read comic books, books of literature and picture books. I played with LEGOs and other building toys, and drew pictures all the time. I was not afraid to go outside but, with no kids my age living nearby, it was easy to enjoy my time alone.

Since that time I’ve taught myself to be a much more social person, although still very awkward at times, and had relationships that, for better or for worse, kept me from being alone any further. When you’re in a relationship with someone, particularly a young relationship, you rarely spend time alone. It’s okay to spend a lot of your time with your other, particularly when the relationships so young and you have so much to learn about each other that you didn’t get to learn in all the nights you stayed up talking.

Although it’s important to build your relationships with other people, to grow friendships and form a bond with someone whom you’ll share your life with, it’s also important to spend some time with yourself. Remember how cool you think you are, and keep that separate from how you think others feel about you. Feel good about yourself, and if you don’t, figure out why and help yourself to get to the point where you think you’re cool again.

It’s difficult though, to be alone. If I’m alone in the car I get bored. I play with my phone and I call friends, or I send messages. I check my email and even, (gulp) watch videos. I have a long commute. I am alone in the car for almost 3 hours each day. Sometimes I don’t even turn on the radio. I just sit and think.

If I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll usually take my phone, a book or something to do. It’s not that I’ll be in the bathroom for hours, in fact I end up staying much longer because of my activity. I just don’t want to get bored when I’m alone. it’s not uncommon in our house to leave the bathroom door cracked and talk to the person who’s in the kitchen.

The winter of 2008, I moved into a new house, lost my job and spent the cold snowy Winter alone in a new place, far from the view of other houses or activity. By the end of the day I was excited to do anything outside the house. All day long I’d claw at the walls (metaphorically) trying to get out of this lonely cage. Still, I want to be better at being alone, because I love to draw and to create and in most cases that is done alone.

The video that inspired these thoughts, which I am playing in a tiny window, over and over. The words constantly whispered to me, I hope, will teach me something more to be less anxious about being alone.

How do you deal with being alone?

Now With Meatballs*

Have you ever forgotten who you were? Maybe you wake up and stretch your arms after a dream where everyone called you Gregory and you’re still confused when you wake. For me, I seem to forget to do the things I like. A great example is drawing.

I drew all the time until I was a teenager and then I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I didn’t pick it back up until a couple of years ago and then, when Mrs and I courted (tee hee) I stopped again.

Why? I don’t know. Its like I forgot again.

I’m always busy. I have a 10 month old girl, who loves attention and I work over an hour from home. There aren’t enough hours on the day. But is that fair to say?

When I cut down on my own twitter use lately, I started paying more attention to the feeds and work of artists I like. I found many of them have similar situations to mine and they do more and better work than me. I expressed this wonder to a friend, who told me; “we all have the same number of hours in a day”.

Shit. He’s right.

That’s good because it proves it’s possible, if I stop using time as an excuse. Anyone hates to be called out, but if it’s good news I think it’s worth it.

I am working on a 22 page comic book, to be completed by the end of the month and I feel more confident I can finish it now. It does take a lot of my time, but I have time. We all do. Sometimes you have to remove other things that are less important. For me it’s just an attitude change.

I haven’t blogged in a while, but I’ll make it fit too. I never meant to stop, but I did forget how much I enjoyed it.

Enough about me, has this ever happened to you, Gregory?

Roll Your Own

Last Thursday Mrs and I were in get-shit-to-sell-at-the-yard-sale mode.  Nothing was safe.

Me: Do you like this, or can we sell it?

Mrs: Eh…  I kinda like it.

Me: Great, how much should I put on it?

We even made a stop at her parent’s house to see if there was anything we could wrangle up there to sell for change, and after packing a few boxes of knick knacks and other heavy glassware, I headed back downstairs.  Evidently, there were a few new steps there installed that nobody informed me of so I tumbled over, hit the wall & fell down a few steps.  The good news is, I didn’t break anything in the box.

The bad news was that I felt I might have ripped my foot clean off.  This is, of course, when everyone hears the commotion and calls out to check on me:

MIL: Are you okay?

Me: *grunting* Yes.

Mrs: What happened?

Me: I …  Grrr…..  I fell. (obvious, right?  I mean, that, or I threw the box down the stairs to save me carrying it)

MIL: What happened?

Me: I fe….  I fell…  (words were not important to me at this time)

FIL: Are you okay?

Me:  Grrr..  Yes. I just…

MIL:  Are you okay?

I mean, when’s a better time for me to get all popular and have everyone wanting to know what’s on my mind?  I think the moment I find myself in seething pain that’s when the phone should ring off the hook as that’s when I’m most social.

So, I guess I rolled my ankle.  It hurt like all hell, but days later I’m in good shape with some weird bruising and a bit of a limp.  In fairness, it could have been worse.

While my foot was healing with super-fast power, evidence of my super healing ability, things were not so good in Nashville, and surrounding area:

Now you all know I’m usually cracking wise about everything in an effort to prevent myself from truly getting old, but this is a crisis for a lot of people.   There are crises all the time, and some affect people you don’t know.  There are a lot of problems in the world that are “someone else’s problem”, but these are our neighbors.

Take a moment and consider a donation

Do you know anyone affected by the flood?

Your Butt Stinks

Everyone says the “three special words” in their own way.  Some people send flowers, some buy a mindful card, and some put an extra piece of cheese in your lunchbox.  Some people, however, show it a little differently.

When you were growing up and your parents were always telling you to be home early and stay away from “those kids”, they were telling you they loved you.  Or they were just trying to keep you unpopular so you could take better care of them in their increasing age.  It was probably love though.

When you’re significant other gets up earlier than you, but steps quietly around the house so that you may sleep uninterrupted, that’s a display of caring/love.  It could also mean they are keeping their actions secret.  It could also mean they are actually a ninja, except then you’d probably be dead.  Maybe they’re a ninja, but they love you, so their a considerate ninja.  I’m sure that’s it.

In Mrs’ family, it’s customary for she and her dad to insult each other in fun to express their love for each other.  When we first dated, she had several saved voicemails on her phone and she played one for me without any explanation.

The message was from her nephew, who she treated like a son, and it said “Hey!  You’re dumb and your butt stinks like horse poop! *laughing hysterically* *click*”

I didn’t get it at first, but this is just how they do it.  I’ll hear a conversation on the phone start out with “What do you want, loser” or “No, you’re dumb” and I know who she’s talking to.  It’s nice.

We’ve adopted the same sort of technique, because we pick on each other in fun constantly.  If you took these conversations literally you’d expect a lot of domestic disputes from two people who labelled each other “retards” and constantly threatened to kick each others asses.  It’s exactly what you’d expect from a happy & functional household.

Two years ago, at the Indiana State Fair, we stopped at the booth where they sell trinkety necklaces and shit with whatever you want etched into them. Mrs bought me a heart keychain with a cow charm and the words in cursive “Your butt stinks” (There is no back story to this regarding my butt, but I do not disagree with it’s validity).  Without my own family insults to interject, I chose a star keychain with the words “I’m pokin’ ya”.  You know, because the star is going to be pocking her in the leg when she keeps it in her pocket.

Do you have an unusual way of expressing your love in your family?

I Don’t Care if you Watch TV

If you don’t know this yet, Mrs and I live way out of the city.  What you may not realize is that not everyone can get the same standard services that we all grow accustomed to in the city.  These are things you don’t take for granted…

We aren’t connected to city water, but instead have a well.  We pump our own water from the earth.  Cool, huh?  Yes, except that it’s not pretty clean filtered water.  On the upside, I’m not subjected to the mind-control chemicals that they put in city water (you know it’s true).  On the downside, the water is a bit sulferous in odor (stinks like eggs) and rusty as well…  Don’t get picky…  If you’re going to drink water from the tap, would you want it fresh from the earth, or fresh from a large building that largely is there to remove poop from it?

We can get phone service, but no DSL so Internet has to come either through a satellite dish, or Wireless broadband.  I’ve used the satellite internet before and it sucks ass so wireless broadband or dial up…

No city trash service…  This is a pain in the ass, but nobody comes to pick up our trash.  I have to drive it to the recycling plant.  I could pay a service, but screw that.  I’ll just drive it there…  Later.

Finally, we can’t get cable.  We can get satellite, of course, but no cable TV or Internet.  We talked about satellite for a few minutes once, but decided we just didn’t watch enough TV.  We can pick up maybe 6 channels without an antenna, and we’ve made do with that for as long as we’ve lived there now, relying mostly on DVDs and only watching the channels we get.  It’s free and it works for us.

Simple enough, right?  You’d think so.

When I’m talking to someone new, sometimes a TV show will get mentioned.  “Have you seen this?” or “Do you watch that?”  At this point in the conversation, the person is generally excited about the show they’re talking about and wants to share that with me.  I listen and smile and tell them it sounds really great but I haven’t seen it because I don’t have cable, but I’d totally watch it on DVD sometime.

*blank stare*

They ask why not, I explain we can’t get it and don’t really want it anyway because we don’t watch much TV.  That’s when it starts.

The person will immediately defend that they don’t watch much TV either and that it’s completely optional and they don’t depend on any shows or anything, they just watch it if it’s on and besides everyone watches TV and I’m the real freak here because I don’t but really, they only watch like one or two shows that they really care about anyway.  I mean, after all, they don’t have all that much free time either and they’re very busy so they just try to fit it in.

I don’t care.  You can go home every night and add another rubber band to the ball you’ve been creating for years, or sit on your front porch and write down new names for cheese spreads that have not yet been invented.  I think, if anything, that would make you a more interesting individual.  If you want to go home and veg out with the TV, that’s cool with me.  There are nights when we watch Law and Order for 3 hours because we can get it on one of our free channels and sometimes that’s nice.

Many of you may be in the same boat as me on this one, where you simply don’t watch TV.  Maybe you’ve got it for the kids or the significant other or the dog who likes the bright colors, but you don’t really find the time yourself.  If that’s you and you don’t already know this – do not suggest to the people who defend that they don’t “need” TV that they get it disconnected to save money.  They’ll likely take that as a threat, puff up their feathers and come at you with a machete or something.

Are you BFF with the boob tube?