It’s About to Get Ugly

I made a new internet-friend the other day, HellaChella, who as I’ve previously discussed cannot help me move, lend me money or bring me a sandwich…  What she can do, though, is make a bad ass sock puppet zombie.

It is because of that fact, that I am writing this post today.  You see, she’s got a contest going over at Coffee & Zombie Movies to post (on your own blog) the ugliest things you own.  There might have been rules to post only a few things, but I don’t like reading rules.  Rules are dead to me.  And nobody like dead rules, or rule zombies.  This has become a tangent.

A plaster cast of Falstaff from Shakespeare fame. Won this in a random auction box once. Everyone needs a fat guy getting drunk for their desk.

Phantom of the Opera brass lamp. This is a sad entry, as I've known this lamp all my life. It was my grandmothers, and last summer the lens was broken and the face dented... Still, pretty darn ugly.

UGLY crystal lamp that came, wrapped in an afghan, inside an antique dresser we bought.

Kitty Cat Creamer. He's here to pour your cream, then steal your soul.

The Haunted Vent Covers. We have 2. Both are broken and add a special ambience to any room.

This is the actual wallpaper from my laundry room, shot from maybe 5 feet away. BIG pattern... Notice the crazy floral wallpaper theme in the other pictures? We have A LOT of it.

The Wooden Boy. He holds his bowl laboriously, full of fake mustaches. Carved from a single piece of wood, and I am not positive he's not really alive.

Classic Car Dash for your wall. This is a GIANT art piece, made to look like the interior of a classic car. It has working dimmable dash lights, a working clock and (drumroll) a functional stereo and speaker.

The lady of the sea is a mural painted on the floor, just inside our front door. I wonder why the painter saw it fit to make her have some rolls and smallish boobies? Hmmm.. We may never know.

The Faceless Woman. This is the inside of our stained glass window, visible from the front of our 150+ year old country house. From the front she is gorgeous... From inside, the cold dark hallway, she has no face.

Hey Everybody, I think I have SAD

I hate the winter.  It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me.  I hate being cold, and will argue to the death that winter is the deadliest of seasons.  I hate the snow and the wind and the freezing conditions.  I love Christmas, but it’s the kickoff to a terrible season.

First of all, about the deadliest season bit, many of you are probably wondering what I mean.  Ok, I’m about to take this to a depressing new level so get ready.  If it’s too cold, people freeze and die.  Homeless people have no protection from subzero temperatures.  You could slip and hit your head, and freeze to death if nobody found you.  Honestly, people, it freaks me out.

Some of my more astute readers may have noticed that I haven’t posted regularly for a while now.  My goal was to post every weekday, but I’ve fallen way behind.  I can think of a million excuses, but then I’ll tell myself that if you want to do something, you make time.  I think what it comes down to is that I just haven’t felt like it lately.

In the warm months, I feel like anything is possible.  In the cold months I feel like everything sucks and I don’t like people anymore and everything’s broken and nobody cares and I’m drifting away from everything I know.

And that just sucks.

I looked up Seasonal Affective Disorder and after reading just a bit, I was like “Oh my God, I have this!”  Let’s analyze:

Symptoms:

• Difficulty waking up: Dude, I sleep in every single day.  On weekends I’ll sleep past noon.  It’s bad.  I’m just exhausted even when I do finally get up.
• Overeating: Okay, maybe I eat when I’m cold.  Shut up.
• Difficulty Concentrating or Completing Tasks: If I post another post tomorrow it will be a miracle.  I have several projects going and NONE of them are getting due attention.
• Withdrawal from friends and family: I love my friends and family, but sometimes I just feel like “meh”.  It’s not personal to them, it’s just that I don’t feel like I have anything important to say.  I’m usually in constant contact, and now, even with a smart phone my communication is spotty.

Bloody hell.  So there’s that.  There was a treatment section in the wikipedia entry, but I didn’t care to read it because I assume it’s not easy like “Go home and read comic books” and that’s what I want it to say.  Maybe I’m overreacting, and this isn’t a cry for help cause dudes don’t cry.

This is me trying to kick it.  I’m going to get back to twitter, blog about craziness and try to pull myself out of the snow hole.

Does anybody else feel this way?

I Wish I Was a Bear

I say this for a number of reasons:

• I’d be a huge, virtually unstoppable force with giant claws.
• Although dangerous, I’d look cuddly as shit.
• Id’ eat fresh fish and camper’s food with the occasional hiker.
• Giant claws (worth a 2nd mention)
• I’d waste less time waiting for a bathroom.
• I could hibernate and skip all this Winter bullshit.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have seasonal depression, but I am always more (and more easily) depressed in the Winter.  I think everyone is.  Of course, I think that because I think it makes sense to be depressed about it.  If it makes sense to me, then of course I think it makes sense to you or else it wouldn’t make sense to me anymore and I’d spin out of control, causing more depression, and probably end up going to live with bears.  They’d have to have a cottage with heating though, like in Goldilocks.  I’m not sitting out in the cold, that just takes me back to the beginning…

If you find bears with central heating, tell them I’m looking for them.  In bear, I think that’s: “Raaaawr grr…  grunt grunt heavy-sigh”

I’m not going to bore you with a list of why I hate Winter, because that would be a really long list and you’ve got better stuff to do with your day.  Suffice to say the last entry on that list would be a personal fear of mine, that you could slip on ice, outside of public view, and freeze to death while you’re unconscious.  Extreme?  Yes.  Yes, my hatred for Winter is extreme.  Thank you for noticing.

Last week, Bugginword painted a picture (metaphorically) that reminded me of summer, so I’d like to do the same.

My vision is a warm summer evening, sitting outside in the country, admiring the vivid blue sky contrasted against the bright green corn fields.  There’s a slight breeze and the wind chime is playing a nature-made tune.  It’s just warm enough to kick off my flip-flops and close my eyes.  I could sleep here, or I could go climb a tree.  Everything else has drifted away.  Maybe I’ll light the fire-pit later and invite people over, or instead just take a nap for a bit and cook out for dinner.

Some people prefer Winter.  They prefer to be cold and snuggle than to be hot and naked.  Yes, that is a possible solution to cool off and I’m counting it.  So who’s with me?  Who wants to close their eyes, remember the warm seasons and skip all this wet cold mess, and who’d be happy to live on the North Pole?

Uncle Buck Parenting

While watching Uncle Buck last night, two things immediately came to mind and were constantly re-confirmed:

1. John Candy was the most lovable, sincere & funny actors of our time and I still miss knowing he’s around.
2. I will base my parenting on his character in Uncle Buck.

“Wow, this guy really likes John Candy.”  Yes.  Yes I do.  And if you don’t, you’re a witch and should be burned.

Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Uncle Buck.  First, slap yourself in the back of the head, then go rent it and watch it twice.  Seriously though, Uncle Buck was the best possible parent.  He was a big kid himself, but knew the right things to do.  let’s recap.

When Tia (the oldest daughter) wanted to be a bitch about everything because she felt she was too old for a babysitter, he told her to deal with it.  No special treatment, no meeting in the middle.  Just deal with it.  Kids are not grown-ups.

When he had to meet the Asst. Principal because she felt that Maizy (the younger daughter) was a “bad egg” for being a dreamer and a sillyheart, he ripped her, letting her know that a kid should be a dreamer and a sillyheart and that if she ever so much as scowls at another kid in that school, he’ll be back to finish things.  Kids should be kids, not little adults.

A “professional” clown shows up for Miles’ (the only son) birthday party, thoroughly drunk and belligerent. Buck tells him to leave, and when he doesn’t, he punches him in the nose.  Twice!  Be a problem solver.

Miles says he’s brushed his teeth.  Buck tell him that the has a friend in the FBI that can test for that kind of thing.  Sometimes lying to your kids is effective & will be a funny story for them later.

Ultimately, Tia tries her hardest to be with her loser boyfriend and Buck tries to keep her safe.  Her boyfriend, Bug, is a serious beret-wearing douche and tries to be defiant.  Buck eventually abducts him from a party where he feared Bug might take advantage of Tia, duct tapes him and puts him in the trunk, then hits golf balls into him when he tries running his mouth after Buck lets him go.  Protect your daughter.

So that’s what I’ve learned.  I think you can be a parent, and a badass.

What do you think?

I’m Casket Shopping

My birthday is on the horizon.  January 20th, to be specific.  I’m turning *long dramatic pause*

29

Oh, that’s not old enough for you?  You’ve got 40 years on me?  You own shoes older than me?  Why are you being a dick about it?  It’s way older than I was when I was 23, which is the age I always think I am, and it’s just short of 30.  Many of you have said you are over 30.  I don’t believe you.  I think you’re still lying about your age to buy beer.  I’ve just never been as old as I am right now and I need to adjust.  Jeez.

Anyway, I’m trying to get a plan in place for my par-tay.  I’m deathly afraid that people are going to come over and sit around, laughing and smiling, but secretly thinking “Man, I can’t wait until X person leaves, so I can get out of here.” or “He’s 29?!?!? That sucks.  I used to think he was cool”.  I want a party worthy of its own Flickr set.

I’ve been talking to my friend Katie, and we’ve come up with the following theme parties:

• Black Light Party – Everyone wears black-light friendly clothes, and we can do face paint and other fun glow stuff.  Plus, I get to buy a bunch of black lights!
• Injury party – Everyone comes with a costume displaying some sort of made-up injury, from a bandage to a realistic cast.
• Everyone’s Art Opening party – Everyone MUST bring a drawing and more are done at the party (maybe to make a giant card)
• Hot Dog party – where everyone brings a dish that features hot dogs.
• The Meeting of Foreign Foreigners – where everyone must talk with a fake accent, and wear a fake mustache and/or beard

These are just a few of the ideas we’ve come up with, that I think everyone would go along with.  What do you think?

Oh, and as a self-promoting sidenote, please leave a comment.  You’ve got original ideas and thoughts, and I’d love to hear them.