Obligatory New Year’s Eve BS

Just like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives.  Mine, for example, keep inching closer to the feared end of my 20s where I will immediately wear my pants higher and tighter, talk heatedly about healthcare and taxes and, most importantly, stop being the super cool dude that you all know and love.  You know what?  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, the most recent 364 days brought us a lot of crazy shit, and today’s not looking any different.  I’m still not wealthy, although I am accepting applications for sugar-mamas under the table *wink* *wink*.  I still haven’t met Drew Barrymore in person (she’s on my list) and let’s face it, the work I’ve completed on my time machine is laughable.

There have been lots of great things to mention in 2009, but I’m not here to bore you with stories of babies, butterflies and kittens.  In fact, fuck butterflies.  There.  I said it.  Fluttering about, here and there.  Get a job and stop using my tax money to paint yourselves up like whores.

It seems like everyone is making lists of “resolutions” which are promises they make to themselves of things they will do for 2010.  I can’t make that kind of commitment, so I will instead tell you what I won’t do in 2010. I can’t promise this list will still be valid for 2011.

1. I will not sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on karaoke.
2. I will not pole dance. You do not want this.
3. I will not appear in Playgirl (See reason #2)
4. I will not embarrass you in front of your friends.  Possibly your parents, or my friends though.
5. I will not fix your computer.  I don’t know what’s wrong with it either.
6. I will not lead police on a 3 hour high-speed pursuit.  My car is not fast.
7. I will not grow up.  I may, however, throw up, depending on tonight’s celebration.
8. I will not get a Twilight tattoo.
9. I will not change my name to Burt Reynolds.  Probably not, anyway.
10. I will not let you down.  I set low expectations to prevent that.

What I’ll probably do is draw way more often and share it with you, my blog readers and Twitter friends, few as you may be, because in some weird electronic way, I love you guys.  I’ll probably get better with my money and I’ll probably go back to school.  No promises on that stuff, but I’ll try.

The Other Side of Christmas

The holidays are always about the same, aren’t they? Every year you get all excited and buy a bunch of decorative nonsense to scatter around an already cluttered house, invite your family over by saying “of course there’s room” and spend more money than the bank should allow, resulting in a festively red colored balance on your online account. We all fall for it every year, and we call it the Christmas Spirit.

My terrible money management skills left The Farm with negative digits in the weeks coming up to Christmas so we had to wait and do Christmas shopping just days before the holiday. Holiday is, of course, a derivative of Holy Day, as in Holy shit, there’s not enough time in my Day to deal with this! I was almost hit by 3 cars in one parking lot, fought the masses to buy my remaining gifts and kicked the door open into a couple that lovingly stopped to kiss, before entering the store. Serves them right. Bah humbug.

Here are some things I learned:

1. Do your shopping before the season, or not at all.  If people want to stop being your friend over it, you’ll save money next year too!
2. You are not safe in a parking lot.  Ever.
3. Invite 1 or 30 people for the holidays.  The bottom line is, the bathroom will be busy when you need it.
4. Take out your holiday rage on strangers whenever possible.  This is the glue that keeps families together.
5. Make secret mixed drinks by adding liquor to half-empty soda cans.  (I recommend whisky and orange crush)

I only hope that my pain can bring you wisdom.  If not, please feel free to visit me next year so I can “take a look at your car”, when you’ve packed a liquor store in your trunk.  Everyone needs escape.

PS – I did get a Food Face place for my trouble, so it all worked out.