Everybody Loves Ramen

When I first moved out on my own, and was not wealthy enough to have the chefs at Taco Bell cater my every meal, I ate a lot of not-good-for-you shit.  There were some basic staples that I had to have, and I’d just fancy them up as needed.  I mean, you have to be ready just in case the Queen arrives.  I can’t expect Ms. Latifa to eat plain PB & J now, can I?

The first problem was that I hated hate shopping.  I’ll buy the prettiest package every time.  If there’s a bigger jar, or larger box I’ll get it, because it keeps me from coming back soon.  I hate waiting around behind people who just can’t decide to get this box of cookies or that box of cookies.  Get them both, or either, because you’re probably never going to think back and want to change that decision either way.  I’m always afraid of going broke too, which I’ve done too many times.

I’ll grab something and if I’m not sure about it, I’ll end up putting it back before I’m done.  It could be toys, books or movies, food or medicine.  Anything.  The longer I deliberate, the less I buy.  If the store always had free samples I could just go and eat the free samples while I deliberated and eventually put everything back on the shelves one-by-one.

Ramen noodles are the common college staple.  Disregard the package, because you don’t need the instructions.  Here’s what you need hot water.  Really hot water.  Put it on the noodles.  Let them get soft.  Note: If they are a little hard and you strain them early, it’s called Al-Dente, which is French for “I’m a fucking master chef.”  Strain the noodles.  If you don’t have a strainer, don’t worry.  You can do any of the following to strain pasta without a strainer:

• Use a fork to punch an assload of holes in a disposable plate or bowl.
• Put a paper towel in the sink, then lift it by the corners to let the water out.
• Pour it into a microwave container and then crack the lid slightly and pour.

You know what else is great?  Those little seasoning packets.  If you completely screw up your Ramen, because you’re very drunk or severely handicapped, keep the packets and put them in a coffee cup full of hot water on a cold gloomy day.  Mmmmm.  Soup-like.

Speaking of packets, never throw away anything free that has a flavor (and is normally edible).  If you get condiment packets from a restaraunt get extras.  You’ll need them later.  Taco sauce is free at Taco Bell, take a handful when you buy  a$1 taco.   These can be used to make almost any meal a little bit nicer.

Speaking of soup, you can’t go wrong with soup.  Hmmm.. That reads funny, but it’s true.  Anything canned and ready to eat, really.  I don’t think it expires any time soon, and I’m sure there are all sorts of limitations and such, but honestly this isn’t a post on eating healthy.  Pop the can open, pour into a bowl and eat.  If you don’t have a microwave or stove handy, just open, then cook it in the can over an open fire.  (Go outside first)

Hot dogs are, by far, the most versatile food as you can see here.  I wasn’t able to get all of the secret recipes that were entered in the party/contest but here are some ideas:

• Cut up and add to a can of baked beans.  (Double Points!)
• Slit the center and add strips of cheese.
• Put them in your buns (Obviously)
• Cover them with bacon bits, cheese and barbecue sauce for a platter meal.
• CORN DOGS!
• Dog Treats

I inherited a freezer full of frozen hot dogs.  I’m fairly sure they don’t go bad, and when you thaw them they are pre-cooked and ready to eat.  Throw the package in a bowl of hot water to thaw, then heat a couple up at a time for an anytime snack.

Now don’t forget, if you’re entertaining guests, it’s expected that you’ll have multiple courses in your meal.  You need a side dish!  Fear not because Pasta-Roni is 5 minutes away.  I think the box says 10 minutes, so just turn the heat up much higher and serve it Al-Dente!!!  They’ll be awed by your amazing cooking skills, and probably ask you for the recipe.

Don’t give it to them though.  If you give up all your mystery, you’ll be boring AND poor, and that just sucks.

What’s your secret cheap/easy standby?

People Weird me out Sometimes

I’ve got a half-brother, but I grew up an only child.  I think that led to a few personality traits I developed later in life.  You see, I didn’t live near any of my friends because we lived in between a bad part of town and the commercialized area.  With my Uncle’s habit of wandering the house in tighty-whities at the time, not a lot of people wanted to come hang out.  I was always happy playing with myself.

Ok, pervs, that’s not what I meant.

I would sit in my room and play with my LEGOs and read comics and stuff, or watch the stuff I had secretly recorded the night prior on Cinemax.  Don’t get me wrong here, I loved being social.  It just didn’t work out that way as much as I’d have wanted.

As a result, I grew to be a quiet kid outside of my particular social set.  A few people loved me, a few people hated me, and I knew who I could count on.  If I didn’t know you, I’d probably just keep my trap shut.  I hated this about myself.  I thought it was weird because you don’t see anyone like that on TV, and honestly, what was I supposed to compare myself to?

I started, and I don’t even know when, to force myself to be fun and outgoing.  It was awkward at first, but if I seemed confident, nobody questioned it.  Occasionally someone’s like “Hey, you never really talked before” but I’d explain that I had kept to myself because I could see the future then and I didn’t want to accidentally destroy space and time by giving away too much information, but that a subsequent bump on the head when I was playing [popular sport] outside of school left me powerless (in that way) so the world was safe.

Yeah, I’ve always been this weird.

I don’t really remember the process anymore, but I’m sure it was awkward for a while.  I’m sure it felt like a lie for a long time.   What I can tell you now, is that I will strike up a conversation with almost every stranger I meet and try to make them show their personality.

Some people don’t have personalities.  Particularly cashiers…  Sorry, maybe you are/were the only one…

The Mrs and I have a lot of shindigs when we can, and she and most people that know me well, label me a “social butterfly”.  Butterflies are dumb, so I’m going to go with Social Antelope.  It just feels right.  I managed to basically fix myself.  Now, why only basically?

Well, I still have ridiculous social anxiety.  I just keep it under the hood.  I think in most cases, like if I have to speak to a large group, or to a high-level manager or something, I’m running on adrenaline and slowing everything to the point that they can’t tell.  What do I mean?

I have pre-set things I will say when I see someone in passing.  I don’t have anything to say, but I say something like “Heyhowsitgoing” as one word, just so I said something and didn’t seem weird.  If a pretty girl talks to me, I’m still stunned and carefully measuring my every breath, movement and reaction like I’m going to break something.  “But, KYA, you’re happily married to the Mrs!  What’s this about?”  You’re right.  It’s not that I’m hoping I have a chance, I just can’t help it sometimes.  It’s stupid.

I look for ways out of a conversation that is going too well because I don’t want to exercise this in large doses, particularly if I haven’t been talking much that day.  Shit, if I’ve been indoors all day without interaction, God help the first person who talks to me.  I’ll jabber incessantly, over-aware of the stupid things I’m saying, then announce that I’m being weird and that I’m trying to fix it.

It’s like the unsuccessful speech I had in Speech class once, where everyone was laughing with good reason, things started going way off track and I stopped them by saying “Everyone stop looking at me!!!”.  yeah, the room fell silent and I pretty well had to pass that off as a moment of temporary insanity.

Overall, the system works.  Being a designer/developer, I’m allowed to be weird and social at the same time.  Except one time more recently at a previous job when I and a friend stood outside the office, shooting the breeze.  A girl we worked with came by and said “Ooh, top secret conversation” and we went on to joke about how we were secret agents.  She smiled and walked inside, but just before she cleared the door I managed to yell “I have a knife!”.

What. The. Fuck.

I’m amazed I wasn’t arrested.  I mean, I did have a pocket knife that I carried all the time, so under questioning it wouldn’t have sounded like a joke.  It would have been a violent threat and I’d have gone to jail.  It’s a good thing she was a complete dingbat.

…And that was the time my social anxiety almost put me in jail.

Do you have any stories like this, or am I just a big weirdo whom you’ll no longer be reading?

My Zombie & Me

My Zombie. My Zombie.  Wherever there’s brains, he eats.  My Zombie.  My Zombie.  My Zombie & me!

If you don’t remember the My Buddy & Kid Sister commercials from the 80s, you probably think I’m crazy.  If you do, you’re already aware that I’m crazy from previous exploits.  Either way, I’ve come here today to share with you my day with my new buddy, Larry Jacobs.  Larry is a zombie sock puppet, made by Chelle over at Coffee & Zombie Movies.

I won him for having the ugliest weird shit.  He’s mine now.  Stop winking at him, because it’s awkard for both of us.  Check out the pictures from our outing:

Larry likes riding in the truck. He was a little leery when I called shotgun, but he settled down after a bit.

I tried to snap a picture just as the plate was hot on the table, but Larry was *really* hungry. The waitress never did come back. It was weird.

After lunch, we visited the Flea Market to find Larry a friend. This is Dr. Bones. They're all BFF and shit.

Larry is one swingin' cat. He insisted on visiting the swings before us, and I had to use the restroom. He's awfully happy, considering it looks like all the kids must have left him. Oh well, keep your chin up larry. Hold it up high.

Larry took a moment on the slide to enjoy the sun. I sniffed all around, but couldn't figure out where someone was cooking bacon.

Larry's shirt suggests he wished these were brains. He found these at the Flea Market. I must admit, they are quite lovely and squishy.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Larry's new favorite book.

Dreaming Zombie Dreams...

So there you have it.  Larry’s mostly hanging around the house nowadays.  He’s really taken a liking to Abraham (Lincoln), our cat.  He’s very helpful, often getting meat out of the deep freeze to thaw for dinner and has only tried to eat my brains once.  He’s such a gentleman.

As you can see, there was a full box of what I’ll call booby-balls, which were like those balls that you squeeze and there is a metallic fluid inside that swirls inside the plastic when you squeeze it.  They were $1, so I bought several.  Expect them as gifts at the next party.  We also bought some homemade treats made from wheat and potatoes, that tasted like pork rinds and looks like bacon.  Pretty fantastic.  Dr. Bones was picked up in a small manga shop where the proprietor sells these and a few other goodies for a friend who makes them.  He was only $20!!!

What would you do if you had Larry for a day?

Do Elephants Spoon?

Do elephants spoon?
Do lions play chess?
Do all monkeys share my vast interest in breasts?

Would zebra’s choose color?
Would giraffes wear a hat?
Would your dog eat chinese food, and tell you it’s cat?

This poem’s just filler.
This poem’s not great.
This poem’s not going to check your prostate.

Should I buy a car?
Should I buy a truck?
Should I say it’s not for you, would you give a fuck?

I’ve been busy of late.
I’ve been lazy as well.
I’ve been thinking of writing, but that went to hell.

My blog has been quiet…
My blog’s not retired…
My blog’s not entertaining, does that mean I’m fired?

I’ll swear to continue.
I’ll talk about lubes.
I swear if you come back, I’ll show you my boobs.

I am an Inventor!!!

When I was a kid watching people like the great Ron Popeil on TV, hocking his vast and wonderful inventions, that seemed like the way to do it.  Sure, you could go out and get a job, work hard every day and live beneath your means so you could save up some money.  If you worked real hard and saved every penny, you might be able to send your future children to college.  The concept that you could just invent something, just have a great idea, and be set for life, was much cooler.

I’ve kept that mindset with me all my life.  Since I don’t have the next big thing, I’ve not made my move.  You could say I’m lurking, waiting in the wings for that winning idea which will catapult me into national success.  Well, I have a few ideas that I’d like to shoot past you fine people:

Pre-Flavored Fish – Did you know that you can buy lemon-seasoned fish at the store?  For real.  Well, if people like flavored fish I’d like to expand on that market.  What if you could have cherry fish?  Would grape fish suit you better?  Maybe tropical punch fish would satisfy your tropical desires?

I propose that we raise these fish in (get ready) Kool-Aid!  Just think, you mix the Kool-Aid in the water and let the fish do their thing.  “Harvest” however that’s normally done and bingo; flavored fish.

Pre-Aged Wine – Everyone who drinks form their glass with a pinky up knows that old wine is better.  It’s a long process though…  You have to crush the grapes, then ferment the wine, then wait.  Wait, wait wait…  Don’t we do enough waiting?

I propose that instead, we make this wine from grapes.  they’re pre-aged already!  Sure, there’s less juice, but it’s probably the best juice.  Yum.

Rumor Mill – How often have we tried so hard to make a positive impression, only to go unnoticed?  Oh sure, when negative news comes out it’s  a front-page headline.  But how do you get that positive press you need to get that new job?  How do you get the points to impress that hottie you’ve been watching surreptitiously? Maybe you just want your in-laws to like you for something.

I propose a little invention called the Rumor Mill.  This is a small portable device that transmits text messages to people all around you, from other people in their address books.  One moment, you’re a nobody.  The next, 10 people around you have heard from someone that you’re a stud in the sack, or that you used to be in the Secret Service.  What’s that?  Did I just hear lady pants drop?  Maybe.  Just maybe.

I know what you’re thinking.  KeepingYouAwake…  You’re stupid.

You can’t prove that.  Finally, I bring you…

Self-Lighting Cigarettes – Are you a smoker?  No?  Ok, well that’s for the best, but you can’t deny that cigarettes have been making people look “cool” for a really long time.  What’s do you always hear from someone with cigarettes?  They need a light.

I propose self-lighting cigarettes.  The end of each cigarette will have a small blasting cap in it.  All you have to do is cross the wires by touching the butt with your tongue (tee hee) and the cap will explode, lighting the tip.  Dangerous?  Hardly…  Unless you drop them in the pool or something dumb…  Imagine how cool you’d look lighting that.

So there you go.  As a sign of appreciation to my readers, if you want to fight over any of those ideas, they’re yours.  Free for the taking.  All I want in return is a Tshirt with a picture of boobs on it.  No reason…  I’ve just wanted one of those for a while.